My Feelings Got Mixed

14 September 2018

I got up little early today. I had sore throat, I can’t even speak right away after I got up from sleep. I had quick breakfast, biscuit and chocolate spread on it. Nobody was awake at the moment so I got myself occupied with the YouTube videos and I just found out yesterday that I was shortlisted in the SMF interview candidates. I have no ideas what’s the behind of the supporters’ work but I did signed up for that role a few days ago. I was glad that I was accepted to be one of those 90 shortlisted people. I did aware I need to attend the interview session right away after Friday prayer, around 2:30pm.

Thus after breakfast, I got myself into ‘baju kurung’ and blue shawl, I thought I want to look more appealing for today. Yes, this is all in purpose, I want to attract the interviewer and fit. I had imagined all of the stuff I was going to say if Fit do try to make a conversation with me but unfortunately, he is not. He sat behind me in the class. He seemed to ignore my existence so yes, I did the same thing too. I was totally embarrassed to start the conversation with someone who refuse to talk to me. I did try to have eye contact or something with him but all I got from him was a quick and short smile. I think he was not even interested to talk to me. I wonder why, because I think both of us are cool. I mean, we superb cool in Instagram message. So, if Fit, if you read my blog in the future, just hit me up and tell me the behind of all of your actions in the class. I am pretty sure you are not that shy person in real life, isn’t it?

Feeling disappointed with the fact Fit was ignoring me, I got myself worked up into the next class where he doesn’t even exist in the class. After class ended, I had some nerve wrecking moments with my diploma friend and high school friend, Teng and Aishah respectively. We both voice note messages to one another and we had a blast. I asked some bit info from Aishah regarding the interview that I was going to attend later on. It was nice to have someone listen to me and help me out to release the nervous toxin. 

With full of myself, wearing earlier baju kurung, I went to the faculty. There was only few people lining up for the interview. I even make a friend with the 20 years old Animation girl student. She is super nice girl and I could sense she is not ordinary girl. There was something about her, she has this brilliant girl aura. Plus, when we went to the same room, for interview session, she said something that quite wit and she seemed not different than mine. Quick catch and wit. 

Believe me, the interview session is not that fun and casual type. It was freaking tight, fierce and I think I almost lost all of my breath in the room. I almost got headache afterwards. The vibe was not nice either, I need to spill out my CGPA in front of them. I got embarrassed for one and two seconds when I was in there. Fortunately, the interview session was not that long, I came home with disappointed face and sad heart. But I got my friend behind me, I am truly glad for that.

That night, I got a surprise call from my boyfriend. After a long time, he told me that he felt sorry for not meeting and talking like we usually do. Deep down I love him for busy with works but sometimes I feel like I get ignored for purpose when the fact he knows that I will forgive him no matter what.  He sounds very soft, I could feel his comfort words for me and I know he supported me, whatever I do. I should do the same thing to him too.

 He even remind me;

“Walau apa apa pun, sayang busy ke, biy busy ke, kita jarang contact ke, jaga hati dan jaga diri… boleh?”

Tell me, should I cry or jump for joy? Because I am so not aware with how I feel at the moment those words came out from his mouth. But I feel calm and reassurance with him.